I came upon this as I started to think about a new post. I wrote it on the 21st of March. Today is the 3rd of May and I am reflecting heavily upon my career, what it is to be an educator, who I am and how I will proceed into the future. It is serendipitous. Have a read and I will pick up at the end of what I wrote back in March.

So this is burn out....

I was out to dinner with friends last Saturday. Some of our closest friends - the ones who care about you deeply.

I thought it might be an idea to let them know that I was trying to implement a shorter work week. There will be more shared later as to some of the thinking around that, but I thought I would share some about where I am at the moment, how I am planning to get where I want to be, and how it seems so strange to be doing this.

I have been teaching within the public education system in Canada and the U. S. for over thirty-one years. When I was in high school, I knew that this was what my life should be about.

Now, to show how naive I was back then, I thought I was going to change the world by teaching children how to speak French. This is me the naive one as I graduated from High School. I barely look pubescent!

I went off to university, studied French and secondary education and found myself, after a year of teaching in the states, out here in the Canadian West, teaching for a couple of years before returning to my "home" to continue my career.

Unfortunately, I found that teaching was far more exciting in the Canadian West than in New England. As well, I found that it might well be possible to change the world out here where thoughts remained young and malleable rather than the heart of reactionary thought in North America at that time (a long time ago...in the 60's and 70's). An added benefit was that I could teach ANYTHING here as opposed to being certified only to teach French and Drama to secondary students (grades 7 - 12) in New England. I spread my wings and explored the teaching of Family Life and Sex Education. I took a master's degree in counseling psychology and psycho-educational programming so that I could be a part of a whole new realm of teaching and learning. (Yeah, that's me the MEd. Grad to the left)

I found that teaching is a mission - not a job. The career is more like a vocation or avocation - not dissimilar to that of a priest, than a professional pursuit that enhances life. I sped along going full speed and giving everything I could and some. It seemed right and reasonable that I should work 120%. Kids need that, and we teachers need to be able to give it to them.

The problem is that when you give more than you have, there are negative side effects. You get sick, tired, lose a sense of reality, think that the world revolves around children and their school-aged lives.

Here we are, back in May.

So now, I am off on full-time sick leave. The benefits insurer has decided that I am either well enough to be at work full-time or I am home full-time. So, because I do not want to get sicker, I am home.

Because I really think I want to get back to work, I am exploring all the possible aspects of why I am ill including my emotional well-being. Had a session with my psychologist today. It related so closely to what I see my daughter going through in her training the be a flight attendant.

She is really down on herself right now because she burst into tears during her training to put out fires (literally) on a plane. The tremendous weight of responsibility was there - at the forefront, and she started crying.

She cares...perhaps too much.

During my session with my psych, it came up: Perhaps I am sick because I care too much. No, let's go back. I AM sick because I care too much.

I am not saying that this is a bad thing. Those of you who think that one can not care too much are already shaking your heads. However, I am saying that caring too much is also a strength.

I am good at what I do because I care too much. I was not always available for my children when they wanted me to be there because I care too much. I don't work in moderation because I care too much. My health is not what it should be because I care too much.

So now I need to ponder some other questions:

• When do I start caring about myself?
• When do I let others care for me?
• When will I accept that I am already doing a great job?
• What am I trying to prove?
• When do I allow myself to rely on the expertise of others?
• When have I had enough?
• How do I create balance in my life between work and other things I love to do?

These are some of the reflections that are taking up my time. I am also looking at exercise, what I eat, how I spend my day, and how I let my thoughts influence my well-being.

This caring too much has my attention at the moment.

I wonder.