There has been so much that has gone along since my last post. In December, I experienced my first assault by a student. After 31 years, some would say I was lucky. I know now, after all kinds of reflection, that I could probably have avoided this crisis. For some reason, I did not. The learning has been deep and I wanted to share some of that.
Christmas was an experience that was to be shared as well. For the first time, we shared our Christmas dinner with homeless people as well as those with whom we normally share Christmas dinner. The experience was unique, full of learning about myself, and I planned on sharing that.
As my older daughter was home from Ottawa for Christmas, I had all kinds of experiences I wanted to share about the pride I feel for her and how she is growing into a fine example of humanity.
As I approached my 53rd birthday, I had some interesting emotions that related both to my work as an educator as well as my role as father.
So I have been avoiding the blog, because I wasn’t ready to share all the thoughts outlined here. They truly are simply outlined as they have taken lots of consideration and time. Now I find myself a week away from the wedding of my daughter, and I have all kinds of disorganized thoughts and emotions about that.
This is what has nudged me off my place of waiting. The wedding.
So what?
I think when my younger daughter was sharing her thoughts about her sister really leaving home that I realized that I have been mourning that loss for most of the fall. My first born and I have not always shared the same point of view, however, I have always known that I could rely on her to challenge my thinking, speak her mind, stretch my position to see where it might go, and to be there when I wanted.
What an incredibly selfish attitude! Parents are supposed to be the ones who are there when their children need them. I hope that I have been when the need was there, however, I am certain that I wasn’t always there whenever they wanted me to be.
I have always seen teaching in public education as a mission rather than a job. That attitude has led me to put some of the children and their crises ahead of my family’s desires. This is not new to my family members. I would always ask them for their support or permission before applying for a promotion or increase in responsibility. They knew that I would be at work longer hours.
This did not excuse me from the needs they had or the emergencies that occurred. I have, with both daughters, been scrutinized by emergency personnel at hospitals when I have taken them there because of broken bones. One that happened during the night and was left to the morning as there seemed to be no head injury. (The arm wasn’t mentioned until the morning.) The other when the break occurred at school and had to be met at the hospital so that x-rays etc. could be pursued. It always amazed me that anyone could consider that I would ever harm either of my children intentionally or through anger. However, that is part of being a father. There will always be suspicions.
The thing I realized about my attitude about my children, is that I always took for granted that they would be around. They both love our city and enjoy the culture that is inherent here. Unlike me, who wanted explore and never really wanted to live in a city, these two are city girls. They are Western Canadians to the core, yet reflect values that are not common in all Western Canadians. I think that there general comfort with live here has led me to think that they would not necessarily move away. Unlike me, who moved city or town every three years as I was growing up, my daughters have roots here: friends they have known since early childhood, cousins that they have always known, familiarity with the locale and environment that seems a part of the organism of their beings. I guess that I thought that would keep them here.
At the same time, I have encouraged them to explore. I thought they should leave the city for post secondary education – thank goodness and RSP’s that they didn’t choose to do that. They both have done some traveling, but not to the extent I would thought they might have done. However, they are now thinking of doing that. My older daughter is working in Ottawa! A city I have visited only once in my life.
When I was 21, I decided to move 3000 miles west and cross the border and live in Canada. Now, my daughter of 25 has moved most of the way back and could really visit the rest of my birth family for the weekend – a luxury I haven’t had for a very long time.
My younger daughter finishes university this spring and has decided that she wants to work a few years in the travel industry – hopefully as an air host for a local airline. She wants to be able to see the world before pursuing further studies. This is a great time in her life to do this.
However, she won’t be around whenever I want either. I feel like I should go in the corner and pout.
At the same time, I want to celebrate their independence!
- I want to shout to the world about how proud I am of both of them.
- I want to do a happy dance with their mother and my partner for achieving a goal set so many years ago.
- They are both their own people. (Whatever that means)
I have always thought that this meant that they would be extremely confident. However, I saw how fragile that confidence was when it took so many months for my older daughter to find the job she wanted this past fall. Perhaps the confidence that did not falter was that feeling that she should not just take ANY job, but to pursue something that was going to nurture or stretch her. I am sure that the diminishing savings and the growing boredom challenged that confidence to the core, but she held out! I am so proud of that!
So here I am – a conflict of emotion. Not that it really takes much to see which state seems to have won over the other. The pouting doesn’t last long. How could it? There is so much more of which to be proud. So much more to celebrate.
I look forward to next week. This is an opportunity to share this pride with others. I invite you to share with me.
